I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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