I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
