I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Randomize
