Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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