Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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