with your own penis?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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