I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
