I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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