My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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