I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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