u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
