i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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