You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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