i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
