I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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