be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
