my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
