I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
