i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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