It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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