fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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