you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
