if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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