Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
