just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
