i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
