Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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