if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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