oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
