You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
