I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
