He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
