Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
