I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
