oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
