is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
