Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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