WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
