My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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