I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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