I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
