the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
