everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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