So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
