I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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