Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
