Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My ass is underappreciated
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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