grandma shit on top of the toilet
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
