hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
only if we run a train.
done.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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