took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
