You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
