don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
