Kiss
Puke
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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