i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
