Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
